i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
