Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Pants are for mortals
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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