Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
