ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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