it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
