last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
