Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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