Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
