And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
