I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
