Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The power of my boobs compel you
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
