There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
