he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
