explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
