so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
