can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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