What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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