well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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