btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
