none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
