I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
