Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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