What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
