Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
whose parrot is this?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
