just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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