This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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