someone threw a dead crab at me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
