Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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