On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My pussy is not your playground.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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