who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
