I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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