Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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