I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't deserve a penis
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
