When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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