Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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