Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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