this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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