When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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