I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
