Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
