i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
