if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
