my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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