Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
