I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
