you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
