Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
one two three fourrrrnication!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
