I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
