If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
