new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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