I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
