that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Randomize
