You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
