if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
